She walked down the road…The bright lights of the cars, the noise, the smoke erupting from the engines, the dark sky spotted with stars seemed nothing but a drunken blur to her dazed mind. All she could think of was him. Readjusting her bag tighter around her shoulders she broke into a run, she had two minutes to get to the bus stop. She crossed the road without looking, cars stopped abruptly within inches of her, and yet she seemed unperturbed by the fact that people were now shouting at her from inside their cars, while her mind mused. She heard voices behind her:
‘What does she fink she’s doin’ man?’
‘Is she drunk?’
‘Yo watch where you goin’ freak!’
They seemed like they were coming from far away, as if she was separated from them, as if she was on another planet. On another planet, alone, away from the crap that she called her life, alone…but not quiet alone…
She crossed the road successfully, without giving the feat a thought, and caught bus right on time. Flashing her bus card to the driver she made to walk to the back of the bus. Her heart stopped – it jumped in fright – it skipped a beat, then it relaxed and she felt her face start to grow hot. She locked eyes with the guy sitting at the back of the bus, he grinned, a casual grin, he did it without thinking while it meant the world to her.
‘Ait?’ he muttered.
She nodded, she could hear someone’s headphones blaring ‘..obsession is a dangerous state of mind…’ and took a deep breath in order to calm herself down. She walked further down the bus, heading towards the seat next to him, suddenly aware of how hideous her hair must look after she had been running, how there was a bead of sweat running down the side of her face, probably penetrating through the layer of makeup she was wearing. Why did she always look a state when she was around him? She finally reached her destination, while the walk had only been a few steps it had felt like an age to her, she sat down on a seat by him. Maybe this was her lucky day…maybe today he would see past the shield of shyness that she just could not penetrate through and see the girl inside.
‘Where ya goin?’ he asked.
‘Home,’ she answered before she could think up a more interesting lie.
‘Oh,’ he said, turning to the window.
‘Oh,’ she relaxed a little, running a hand through her hair, trying to smooth it down. She looked down at her own two feet; the bus ride to their stop was about forty minutes, how on earth was she going to talk to him for that long? How could she think up something interesting to say to him? She didn’t even know what sort of things he was into.
‘So, you ait now?’ he asked after a couple more minutes of silence.
‘Yeah, I’m okay,’ she said, embarrassed, knowing he was talking about how she had managed to trip up in the corridor at the site of him, obviously he didn’t know the reason why she had tripped up. Or maybe he did, and he was just a great actor.
He laughed an abrupt, bark like laugh.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘Nothing,’ he said, smiling.
Julie could never understand him, she could never understand why he was so nice to her when he was by himself, and yet when he was with his friends he was a completely different person. It wasn’t as if he ignored her when he was with her friends, but he wasn’t the same person, there was something different, something Julie couldn’t quiet figure out. Sometimes in class she would catch him looking at her when he thought she wasn’t looking, as soon as she would lock eyes with him he would look away, and yet she didn’t understand why someone like him would fall for someone like her.
How she wished she could get over him, how she wished she could leave him behind and move on with her life. Every weekend she would decide that she was going to move on, she was going to forget all about him, but then she would see him at college again on Monday and she would fall in love with him all over again, she couldn’t help it. She didn’t know why she loved him, there was just something about him, the way he moved, the way he spoke…
She looked up at him, he was still gazing out of the window, she loved that misty eyed expression he got every time he was thinking, she tried to clear her mind and think of an interesting conversation to start, but before she could something happened -
The bus braked violently and she was flung sideways onto him, her arm crashed into the seat in front of them and she felt the pain rush up her elbow into her shoulder.
‘Sorry,’ she muttered, embarrassed, trying to pick herself up off him.
‘It’s alright,’ he said, helping her get back up, ‘is your arm alright?’ he asked, touching her arm and examining it.
She shivered under his touch, she could feel her entire body tingling, she looked into his eyes, he smiled.
‘Yeah, it’s alright – now,’ she said, and kicked herself mentally for saying it. She wanted to sit back up but her entire body felt like it was under his control, he grabbed her by the shoulders and helped her to sit back up – but he didn’t let go of her shoulders.
She wanted to say something, anything, to break the awkward silence, she wanted to tear her eyes away from that gaze but she couldn’t, she couldn’t stop looking into those delicious chocolate brown eyes. She couldn’t help it, the more she struggled against it, the more she fell in love with that gaze, she wanted to keep looking into those eyes forever and ever…
‘Julie, you have gone bright red, you know that?’ he asked with a sly grin on his face.
‘Oh, I – uh – I do that sometimes,’ she knew what she said didn’t make sense, but he just smiled; she knew he was playing with her; he had a habit of doing that.
The bus stopped, ‘oh, damn that’s my stop,’ he said getting up. She looked up, disappointed; time went so quick when you wanted it not to.
He ran to the door of the bus, she looked out of the window to wave at him but her hand froze mid wave as her eyes registered a gorgeous blond girl wrap her arms tightly around him. Her eyes filled with tears as she saw the blond girl grab his hand and they walked away, without another look back. A weird sensation was erupting inside of her, she felt like someone was ripping her into pieces over and over again, she felt her heart sink into her stomach, she didn’t know how to describe it, but it felt like hell. The bus jerked and started once again, her eyes filled up with tears till the whole scene around her blurred out and she couldn’t see properly anymore, she closed her eyes and felt the burning hot tears run down her cheeks and into her lap.
She knew she had to get over him, but she also knew that when she saw him next time, she would fall hopelessly in love with him all over again…